These past few days I have felt this disease enveloping my body. Like a blanket that covers you to keep you safe and warm. But this disease doesn't want to keep me safe and warm at all. I think back to poems I have written from similar times, poems I have written about this enemy attacking me from within. Many of them about just letting go and giving in, I sit here alone and wonder if it's my time to go. Deep in thought body filled with pain wondering which would be easier. Just giving up and relieving myself of this pain but wondering the pain it would cause those who love me. On the other hand I could just continue to find my last ounces of inner strength and continue to fight this battle. Tears flow down my face stinging my cheeks; as flashbacks cross my mind of the promises I made to loved ones. Promises to never give up; to continue to fight till the last breath exits this body. I pain stakingly lay down on a nearby couch and curl up into a fetal position. Desperately I want the comfort of the only person I have ever loved to be there with me, to hold me and show me that there will be a better tomorrow. But deep in my heart knowing this is only something of a dream, and I am here alone. Once again to fight for what I don't know the reason…..
A Battle Nearly Lost…..
Damaged
I feel as if I am on a never ending expedition all alone. A quest to fill a void in my life that never seems to stay filled for long. Like a cup with a whole in the bottom, it only stays full temporarily and then it's empty again. Sometimes someone just comes by and re-fills it and knocks it over and it takes some time for the cup to be standing back up again. I have been hurt so many times by guys and I don't want to mess up this time. I just want someone to love me for who I am flaws and all. My heart is at such a low. The past few nights I have been unable to sleep and having crazy dreams. I need someone to hold me though the night and show me that everything is going to be alright. There is only one disadvantage I have been damaged. Inside I am filled with scars and remembrances of past hurt, that make it hard for me to manage. Sometimes I might look through your stuff for what I don't want to find. I know that sounds crazy doesn't it. Why would I look if I don't want to find. But I guess I would rather know as early into the game as possible so it's kind of my way of protecting myself; or maybe I just might set you up just to see if you're all mine. I guess I'm a little paranoid from everything that I have been through, so before you say you want to be with me you need to know what you're getting yourself into…. It's nothing against you but I just hope that you will hang through……
