Lettin You In

I'm so scared but I'm letting you in

I'm letting you see what lies beneath my skin

The truth behind all of the secrets and all of the lies

The pain I hide behind these brown eyes

Inside I feel empty and alone

As if no one's there and I'm left to fight this battle on my own

I'm not used to having someone there

Someone to hold me and truly care

Since I've gotten my diagnosis

I feel like I've been going about life inside hypnosis

I want to give you my heart but I'm scared

Because it is fragile possibly beyond repair

I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don't always say, what's on my mind
You know that I've been hurt, by some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time

 

Existing Questions?

My mind is racing

A brand new day I am facing

Since you've come into my life

You got a nigga thinking about settling down & becoming your wife

But before we go any further, there is something you must know

I come from a difficult past I can't seem to let go

I want to let you in let you see my heart

But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart

I don't want to get hurt again

I'm ready to walk down the aisle while the church shouts amen

I need someone to be my voice when I can't speak

Someone to be my strength when my bodies too weak

Sometimes I can be a lot to handle

I can be hardheaded and get caught up with illegal scandals

So I need someone who's willing to ride or die

No just a nigga trying to get between my thighs

I've been down that road too many times before

Now a new beginning I'm ready to explore

So tell me now I need to know

Do you still wanna get to know me more?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Love Story….

Life is truly amazing sometimes. Just when you think you have everything figured out life throws you another curve ball, placing love in your sight, blocking your vision from anything else. Isn't it funny how that works out just when you believe you can go on no longer? I was coming to a point in my life where I was just ready to give up on everything. I didn't feel needed anymore let alone even wanted. Everyone who I believed to be my true friend only turned out to be a phony. To make matters worse my own family seemed to be turning their back on me. It began to feel as if I almost didn't exist. My days were so lonely and nights were restless. I wondered to myself how much longer I would be able to live my life like this. Nights alone I would lay alone on my mother's couch questioning myself if fighting was even worth it anymore. What's the purpose? Was I fighting for my own selfish needs? Then suddenly out of the blue I bumped into love, modestly I excused myself and apologized. But it was too late love had taken control; it's finally come to stay. I was so amused by the sweet words and stories we shared. With every word he was inching closer…..deeper into my heart, etching his name into my soul. I don't know what happened but love works like magic, and it's so true that my mind can't even begin to grasp it. He is my biggest blessing; a prayer I thought would never be answered. For so long I have been standing in the middle of the road not knowing where I was heading. But now he has come to guide me. Baby I know you're just as scared as I am but I need you to trust me with everything. I know we have both seen a lot of things in our life but I know that this time it's right. I won't hurt you! I'm just so glad that I finally got you in my life; it hasn't been the same without you…….

HE’S CARRIED YOU THUS FAR…..

We all make mistakes at various points in our life and it's a test of faith. I don't know if you believe in GOD but he brings about all things for good. So he does have a plan for the good in all of this happening to you but in the meantime you must keep the focus and also keep the faith. GOD has brought you this far into life and what would make you think that he would just leave you now.

Things always will continue to get worse before they get better. Just when you think you can't take anymore something else happens, but guess what, you get through it. Sometimes we continuously underestimate our own strength, you have two choices in life, to either let life beat you or beat it. Unless you choose to give up and stop fighting with GOD on your side, you are guaranteed to win! If things went good all the time we would take them for granted but since we have to all experience some level of hardships when we have good times we learn to appreciate them that much more.... GOD is always there for you only you can turn your back, but he never will and always will be there waiting for you to turn around and have faith....

Goodbye, Father I Never Had

Nine crayon coated pictures sticking to the refrigerator door,
he says he knows you love him, but he says he loves you more.
Doodles of fathers and sons--under his fishing net.
He leaves the father's face blank, for a man he's never met.
He sits on the kitchen counter, waiting by the phone,
He brushes by the curtains, in case you decide to come home.

That boy, he's getting big now, he's got such a beautiful face.
His big brown eyes and joyful smile lighten up this empty place.
He tells all his friends at school that his father's working late,
and at the dinner table, he sets an extra plate.
He bows to say his prayer, and he prays he's not alone,
"Father, make me happy, Daddy please come home."

He's as sharp as a tack, and he's started to grow,
He's got your strong spirit, but I guess you wouldn't know.
He's written many letters, ones your eyes will never see,
begging you to visit him, be the Father you should be.

Your little boys a man now, your baby's all grown up.
He's made it through without you, when daddy didn't show up.
On his refrigerator, are sixteen letters to Dad.
Just in case the man comes back, the Father he never had.

But if you never come back,

Its okay, mom has picked up for your slack

For so many years,
Through all of my tears,
Your so called love never seemed to appear.
So I'm letting you go now,
I will let you drift without me,
I'll survive it somehow...
Though I have so many questions,
So many wounds with infections,
I suppose they'll go unanswered.

Good-bye to the man,
who has never once ever held my hand,
you decided to leave me alone
tossed me into a cold world unknown.
For so many years I felt guilt and denial thinking it was me,
But now I am grown and can finally see.
It makes me quite sad,
I feel so hurt and yet so mad,
But it has to be done, so...
Good-bye.
Dad.

A Battle Nearly Lost…..

These past few days I have felt this disease enveloping my body. Like a blanket that covers you to keep you safe and warm. But this disease doesn't want to keep me safe and warm at all. I think back to poems I have written from similar times, poems I have written about this enemy attacking me from within. Many of them about just letting go and giving in, I sit here alone and wonder if it's my time to go. Deep in thought body filled with pain wondering which would be easier. Just giving up and relieving myself of this pain but wondering the pain it would cause those who love me. On the other hand I could just continue to find my last ounces of inner strength and continue to fight this battle. Tears flow down my face stinging my cheeks; as flashbacks cross my mind of the promises I made to loved ones. Promises to never give up; to continue to fight till the last breath exits this body. I pain stakingly lay down on a nearby couch and curl up into a fetal position. Desperately I want the comfort of the only person I have ever loved to be there with me, to hold me and show me that there will be a better tomorrow. But deep in my heart knowing this is only something of a dream, and I am here alone. Once again to fight for what I don't know the reason…..

Damaged

I feel as if I am on a never ending expedition all alone. A quest to fill a void in my life that never seems to stay filled for long. Like a cup with a whole in the bottom, it only stays full temporarily and then it's empty again. Sometimes someone just comes by and re-fills it and knocks it over and it takes some time for the cup to be standing back up again. I have been hurt so many times by guys and I don't want to mess up this time. I just want someone to love me for who I am flaws and all.

My heart is at such a low. The past few nights I have been unable to sleep and having crazy dreams. I need someone to hold me though the night and show me that everything is going to be alright. There is only one disadvantage I have been damaged. Inside I am filled with scars and remembrances of past hurt, that make it hard for me to manage.

Sometimes I might look through your stuff for what I don't want to find. I know that sounds crazy doesn't it. Why would I look if I don't want to find. But I guess I would

rather know as early into the game as possible so it's kind of my way of protecting myself; or maybe I just might set you up just to see if you're all mine. I guess I'm a little paranoid from everything that I have been through, so before you say you want to be with me you need to know what you're getting yourself into…. It's nothing against you but I just hope that you will hang through……

I’M THE TYPE

I'm the type of guy that likes to just go to the beach, while the sun is setting.

Sit on the pier stair into the deep where the water meets the sky.

Our legs interlocked around each other's waist; our chest touching.

Our arms holding each other tight.

My head on your shoulder yours on mine.

Nothing needs to be said words between us are silent.

The water and nature does all the speaking for us.

We stay there till the night falls and the sky and the water have finally become one.

LAST CALL

"You strengths I can complement,
Your weaknesses I can compensate for,
I do all that I can to make your life better and easier."

That 4 a.m. phone call everyone gets is inevitable.
Sometimes I wonder who is going to make that call for me.
You know someday all us of are going to have someone calling for us.
Telling everyone who cares that we are no longer available for
breakfast, no longer available for lunch, and no longer available for dinner.
I wonder who is going to make that call for me?
Who will care?
Will I make it to heaven?
So many questions, but yet so little time to prepare, to learn.
Each day, every minute, of every hour.
Down to the seconds that go by with each passing moment.
I feel my body weakening, turning on itself.
Every morning I awake to a cold cell.......alone.
I head to the bathroom and look into the mirror,
Deciding which mask to wear for the day.
My mask conceals my true identity......
The scared little boy who is slowly dying inside.
Of course you'll never see him.
For I refuse to let him show.
I refuse to let him be judged and ridiculed, by the ignorance of others.
I allow him to die a peaceful, slow, yet painful death.
Please be understanding its not that I want to keep secrets from you.
But I'm scared......
So I ask one last favor of you.......
Will you please stay with me to enjoy our last kiss,
Dance our last dance,
and sing our last song together.
Then when I take my last breath,
And Tell you how much you mean to me one last time.
That I love you.
Will you hold me tightly in your arms,
Then make that last call?...........


~Miguel Callahan~
9/25/2008

Questions Why?....

I've been hurt so many times in the past
Rushing in and out of relationships much too fast
This time I want to take it slow
Here are some things I want to know
Why does this feel so right?
Why do u hold me so tight?
I stay up each and every night,
Thinking about the things I like. Sometimes I can't believe you're in my life.
Why is it that your the one
What makes u so different?
Maybe it cause the things they should of, you've already done
Never thought I'd find my number one

See My Heart….

Search my heart, search my soul

Let me prove, you make me whole

Listen closely, hear my cries
Look inside, see past my eyes
You're here with me, so be prepared
to hold me closely, I'm broken and scared
Be my shelter, be my guide
Be the shadow, right by my side
Please just tell me you understand
You hold my heart every time you hold my hand
I want you to show me, I want to see through
I want to see, inside of you
I need your arms to hold me tight
Through endless days and wreck less nights
Inside of me, my heart is gone
For in the palm of your hand is its new home
You cleared the skies, you cleared the rain
You dried the tears and eased the pain
Take my heart, take it all
Let the limits catch our fall
God put us together, he made you mine
He made our hearts to intertwine
The world turned down what my heart has said
And played with thoughts inside my head
But I know this is love like I never knew
I could lose the world if I have you

He Wrote On

My life was but an empty page that he chose to write on,

Off my feet I was swept the day he came along,

Now sitting here alone I wonder what went wrong,

Was it him or was it me or maybe it just wasn't meant to be

The time we spent together were moments of pure bliss

The moments we shared doing that and this,

A shadow in the dark or something someone says brings back memories of the past,

which is all, I now have left,



I sit in the dark and remember all the things we did,

I sit in the dark and wonder why things turned out this way,

I lay alone at night and think of him,

I lay alone at night and wonder, who he's with,

I miss his arms around me holding me close,

I miss the smell of his after-shave and him promising never to let me go,

I miss all those moments that we'd shared telling each other how much we cared,

These memories of us shall never fade,

These memories will in my heart forever stay.

Don’t Forget About Us….

I heard someone whisper your name,
But when I turned around to see who it was,

I noticed I was alone and it was just my heart telling me I miss you.

Every since you left me my eyes have been hurting cause i can't see you.
My arms are empty cause I cant hold you.
My lips are cold cause I can't kiss you.
And my heart is breaking cause I'm not with you.

Forgetting you is hard to do.
Forgetting me is up to you.
Forget me not.
Forget me never.
But don't forget were great together.

Layers

Life is like a prison and I'm the inmate.
Each morning I awake to face a world of hate.
Loneliness hurt and past scars hide behind these brown eyes.
But you'll never know.
They're covered by a mask, so that it never shows.
Life is a prison, oh GOD let me out.
No one seems to listen to hear me when I shout.
Hidden secrets nobody knows, for my mask makes sure they never show.

So here I go I'm letting you in.
I'm removing my mask.
So you can see the real me within.
My hearts broken in half.
Mind still living in the past.
I've been pushed down and hurt so many times.
I feel this time will be the last.
As I lye here fading my thoughts are invaded by memories of the past.
None of them fond.
All remembrances of past scars.
I feel the pressure of shame and rejection building as I lye here on the floor.
I have no strength to get up.
I'm just not worth it anymore.

I Thought About You Today.....

I thought about you today. I was going on like any other day and God asked me, "Miguel, if I were to take everyone you know and love away from you what would you do?" I was very upset and I told God, "If you were to take everyone I know and love I would be very sad and I don't know if I would want to survive." Then God asked me, "Why is it that you don't talk to the people you know and love so much?" I replied, "God, you know I work and with school I never have time." God lovingly told me, "My child I have many tasks and duties to take care of too, BUT I always take time out to tell you I am thinking of you and how much I love you every day." I suddenly became filled with great sorrow and began to cry. "Why are you crying? My son?" God asked me. Then I answered, "It is very true that you let all of your children know everyday how much you love us every day, and before most of the world was given life you gave Jesus to die for us that we may live and enter the New Jerusalem. So I'll make you a promise I might not be able to do it as often as I'd like to but when I can I will tell all of the people I love and care about how much I love them and how they are always on my mind." So once again, I thought about you today and I just want to know I love you and so does Jesus. I hope you have a wonderful day and if you ever feel like there is no one who is thinking about you just remember that Jesus and I are always thinking of you and are praying for you. If I don't rise in the morning, Everything is going to be alright, right. If I don't rise in the morning, Everything is going to be alright, right. If I don't rise early in the morning, Everything is going to be alright. My bags are packed My bags are packed, my ticket's reserved. I'm heaven bound, I'm heaven bound, I'm on my way, if you don't see me no more I'll be alright.

Gone...

Girl I put your love up on a shelf,
But I guess I just left it to die
Now your not around, and I know that im the reason why....
The love that you and I shared was enchanted
But that love is dead and gone cause I took your love for granted....
In my mind I sort through memories of the past
Bringing forth feeling I wish I wish I could make last....
When the memories are gone and left with just me,
I relazied I fuck up ad never again will we ever be....
Alone in the dark trying not to cry,
I look at your picture asking myself why?
I wish I could roll back the hands of time,
But I know its too late and someone else is on you mind....

Where I Wanna Be

I'm gonna keep pushing on

The Lord will help me to be strong....

He will give me the strength to endure another day,

From this day forward all y sins have been washed away......

My burden has been lifted, now I finally see,

Walking hand in hand with the Lord is where I wann be.....

My Boo

Baby your a star

I just wanna show you, you are

You've got a body like a goddess

But with a personality so modest

The type of girl I want in my life

Damn mama you got a nigga thinkin about making you his wife

Reach for the diamonds and head for the rings

You got a voice like an angel I love it when you sing

When I first saw you I already knew

One day I would promise to love you

And make you my boo.....

Hell In A Cell

The seasons are changing

The leafs begin to fall

I've lost track of time

Living in these four walls

Everyday I awake

To this place filled with hate

I'm here all alone with no one to call

No one to love & catch me when i fall

I want to wake up so this nightmare will end

My only grip to the reality of the outside world, are these letters I send

I'm a person people seem to either love or hate

Sometimes its difficult to tell between the two

But it here its different, hating is all they seem to do

I'm all alone, no one to hear me when I yell

Welcome to another day of my "hell in cell."

Angel of Mine

What if tonight were the last night you would ever spend with me?

Cause the Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed

What about me would you miss?

The feel of my sweet lips when we kiss?

I remeber the day when we met

We laughed the night away

I wanted to tell you my secret but my heart said no not yet

I decided I would tell you another day

I once loved a man

It only a way I could understand

He hurt me, He lied

Left in his path was I

He made sure I would never forget him and his mess

I realized this March 4th, 2008; the day I took my H.I.V test

I told you my secret, I let you in

My hearts filled with sorrow, body full of sin

You said it didnt matter you'd love me anyhow

Later that year in front of family and friends

We exchanged our wedding vows

Who knew that in time

You would become.....

An angel of mine......

Mom

You saved me when I could no longer save myself

You found me when I was lost

You held me tight and whispered into my ear that everything would be okay

You always know how to comfort me even when it seems there aren't any words to say

You are my mother, my father and my best friend

You promised me you would always be there until the very end

We've had our ups and downs, but they've only made us stronger

We took them as a lesson and those days are no longer

When everyone turned their face from me you stood there with open arms

You promised to protect me and keep my safe from all harm

I love you "Mom", and I just want you to know

A day without you in my life is a day I pray God never shows.....

A Fighter

No more tears
I'm tired of crying after all these years
The signs were there i should've knew
It wasn't loneliness I was scared of, what I feared was you
No more pain
I'm tired of hurting, when your the one to blame
How could this man I thought I knew
Do to me the things you would do?
We would break up; to make up
The show went round & round
That was just how we seemed to get down
But in the end, I wanna that thank you
Cause you've made me that much wiser.......
Thanks for makin me.......
A fighter......

Miguel

Miguel he's a singer, his life is his song

Miguel he sings about love and where his life went wrong

Miguel lives for the love of tomorrow, for he knows the pain of yesterday

Miguel holds inside the hurt and pain, he not dare begin to say

All he wants is true love, this seems not too much to ask

But finding this love, has found to be Miguel's greatest task

Miguel he loves so gentle, a way so hard to find

A love so sentimental words cannot describe

To many hes a mystery with eyes that cannot lie

If you were to ask me, I think that hes just shy

Miguel has traveled the country and many know his name

If you are surprised you can just call it fame

Miguel is romance, he's also kind of cute

Miguel enjoys a candlelight dinner just for two

Miguel loves to love and the feelings it can bring

Like a new beginning when flowers bloom in spring

Miguel is singer, I'm sure he'll always be

I think I can say I know him well

Cause Miguel..........

Well he's
ME.

Its better to be alone, Than in the wrong company....

It IS Better To Be Alone, Than In The Wrong Company.....
Tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are.
If you run with wolves, you will learn how to howl, but if associate
With eagles you, will learn how to soar to great heights.
A mirror reflects a mans face, but what he is really like is shown by
The kind of friends he chooses. The simple but true fact of life is that
You become like those with whom you closely associate for the good and the bad.
The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve.
Any time you tolerate mediocrity in others, it increase your mediocrity.
As you grow, your associates will change.
Some of your friends will not want you to go on.
They will want you to stay where you are.
Friends that don’t help you climb will want you to crawl.
Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dream.
Those that don’t increase you will eventually decrease you.
.. ..
CONSIDER THIS:....
Never receive counsel from unproductive people.
Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution.
Because those who never succeed themselves, are always first to tell you how to.
Not everyone has a right to speak on your life.
You are certain to get the worst of the bargain when you exchange ideas
With the wrong person.
Don’t follow anyone who’s not going anywhere.
With some people you spend an evening: with others you invest it.
Be careful where you stop to inquire for directions along the road of life.
Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendships.